


Extinction Distinction

by Lunasong365



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Bookshop, Canon-Compliant, Gen, Historical, Horsepersons - Freeform, Pre-Apocalypse, animal extinction, thylacine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-22
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-05-02 18:48:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5259704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunasong365/pseuds/Lunasong365
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The latest animal extinction prompts the demon and angel to muse about their roles in the Ineffable Plan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Extinction Distinction

September 1936

 

Crowley let the front door of the bookshop bang shut as an early September gust of wind caught it the wrong way. He held Aziraphale’s _Daily Telegraph_ in his hand as he took off his hat and hung it on the coat-rack near the entry. Aziraphale frowned as he glanced up from the ledger he was working on at his desk, but his countenance completely changed when he saw the disturbance wasn’t a customer.

“Good morning, Crowley!” Aziraphale chirped. “Thanks for bringing the paper in. Be a dear chap and bring me the crossword, would you? I’ve had just about enough of balancing these accounts.” 

“Sold a book, did you?” Crowley snickered. He handed Aziraphale the back section and flopped down on the sofa with the rest of the broadsheets, kicking off his shoes in the process. He chuckled as he read the headline. Aziraphale looked over from where he had already been chewing his pencil over 2 Down. 

“What’s the amusing news?” he inquired. 

“More gossip of Edward and Wallis,” Crowley responded. “The way they carry on, it’s difficult for even a respectable paper not to look like a tabloid. Edward may be King now, but mark my words; by the end of the year, something’s going to give.” 

“Mmm,” agreed Aziraphale, “and I’m sure you’ll be the sorrier for it. Bertie isn’t a bad chap, now. I believe he’s more resourceful than many have given him credit. I daresay that if it comes down to it, he’ll be a fine King.” 

The two settled into a companionable silence, broken only by the rustle of Crowley’s pages and the scratching of Aziraphale’s pencil. 

Suddenly, Crowley groaned and tossed the paper across the room. It floated to the floor as scattered sheets, raising a residual cloud of dust. Aziraphale raised an eyebrow. 

“Really, Crowley, there’s no need for dramatics…” 

“They killed it,” Crowley lamented. “The very last of its kind, and they left it outside on a cold night to die of exposure! How can they be so careless; how can they even let a species get to the point that there’s only one left in a cage at a zoo…” 

“Who killed what?” inquired Aziraphale. 

“Humans. Thylacine,” was Crowley’s two-word answer. 

“Humans I know,” said the angel with a wry smile, “and there’s lots of them left. What’s a thylacine?”

_"Thylacinus cynocephalus._ Tasmanian tiger, or wolf if you like. It really wasn’t either; it was in a family all its own: _Thylacinidae_ – of which it was the last remaining genus and species.” 

“Oh,” Aziraphale responded. “Aren’t they vicious sheep-killers? The government of Tasmania used to pay bounties for their skins.” 

“Sheep are the vermin,” Crowley countered, “not the thylacines. Sheep aren’t native. You never liked that part of the world anyway. What have you got against marsupials? You like pockets.”

Aziraphale admittedly did like pockets, and woolly soft jumpers which ultimately came from sheep. “But, dear, the humans are also discovering new creatures…” 

“It’s not the same,” Crowley interrupted. “That’s not how it works. You can’t add to the total just because you didn’t know it was there before. That’s like Europeans claiming they discovered the American continents. If you endorse that kind of math, I’d like to audit your ledger!” 

“My accounts,” Aziraphale replied testily, “are of no concern of yours. And I have nothing against marsupials. Or humans. Free will, you know. It wasn’t my doing.” Crowley ignored the implication as the angel continued, “Creatures go extinct for reasons besides human interference. There’s natural selection, environmental factors, disease…” 

_Disease._ Crowley remembered the fourteenth century and frowned. That was a time when he’d feared  humans might go extinct. Not that the demon was overtly willing to admit he was fond of humans, but he did appreciate their creativity, especially when it came to inventing new forms of pleasure and vice. It allowed him a lot of leeway to just set things in motion, then sit back and observe. Human nature permitted a certain amount of job security with minimal effort. But _natural_ nature—Crowley’d had a soft spot for flora and fauna since the Garden. 

"…that reminds me,” Aziraphale continued. “I’ve gotten a communiqué from Headquarters. It seems that Pestilence, of the four Horsepersons, is retiring. The humans have made so many advances with penicillin that he was having a difficult time making further headway. A new chap, Pollution, is coming on. Apparently he demonstrated lots of potential in the job interview.” 

“It does appear War will soon have her heyday,” Crowley added thoughtfully, remembering some of the news articles from the Continent. He snapped his fingers. “Hey! One can’t just go changing the Book of Revelation. There’s a…thing…a curse…against that.” 

“Specifically,” Aziraphale huffed, “it says you can’t add to the Book and you can’t take away. It doesn’t say anything about equal substitution. It’s not our place to question the Ineffable Plan, in which the Horsepersons play a part.” 

“F'-able math,” muttered Crowley. “And speaking of extinction, that’s all part of the Plan as well? Mass extermination sanctioned by Heaven? A bit like the Flood, wouldn’t you say, but on a grander scale and not quite as damp?” He waved his hand to gather the newspapers and they sorted themselves into a neat stack on Aziraphale’s desk. “As I recall, there used to be [unicorns](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3818746). You can’t call that extinction an ‘environmental factor’ like the dinosaurs. Or credit it to humans and ‘free will’ like countless others. That one, and the others caused by the Flood, are directly attributed to…” 

“Careful,” the angel warned. “You, me; we both have a role to play in this. Armageddon is endorsed by Hell also. There may come a time when we…we’ll no longer be able to honour the Arrangement.” He arose and crossed the room to Crowley. Sitting beside the demon on the sofa, Aziraphale added, “I hope that day is a long time off.” He offered Crowley a hesitant smile. “I don’t want to be on opposite Sides.” 

“Well,” Crowley said, “We’re not in Revelation. There’s no reason we can’t change. Our part at the end of the world isn’t written.” His golden eyes glowed as he returned Aziraphale’s smile.

“No,” agreed Aziraphale. “Not yet.”

**Author's Note:**

> There actually weren't any news articles when the last Thylacine in captivity died of exposure when accidentally left outside during a harsh Tasmanian winter night on 7 Sept 1936. Thylacines weren't reported as extinct until the following February, even though they hadn't been seen in the wild for several years.
> 
> There were approx 2-4K thylacines in Tasmania at the time of European settlement (1803). The introduction of sheep did augment the thylacines' natural prey of wallabies, and this put the predator at odds with sheep farmers. Private bounties and, later, government bounties were paid on 2200 thylacine pelts. The bounty and loss of habitat led to the collapse of the thylacine population by 1905. The unique appearance of the thylacine and increasing rarity also created a valuable zoo trade. Thylacines never bred in captivity.
> 
> Marsupials in general account for a significant proportion of the 60+ fauna species reported as extinct on Wikipedia since European settlement of Australia and environs began in 1788. 
> 
> I didn't want Aziraphale and Crowley to comment extensively on extinction because I can't improve on what Adam says in Good Omens: "Seems to me, the only sensible thing is for people to know if they kill a whale, they've got a dead whale." 
> 
> To learn more about thylacines:  
> http://www.naturalworlds.org/thylacine/  
> Picture credit: Wikipedia Commons (this is a picture of the actual last thylacine).
> 
> The Bible reference cited by Crowley and Aziraphale is Revelation 22:18-19.


End file.
